SLAMM #70, 11/19/97: Media Munch by Ms. Beak

Kill the Dinosaur!

"The San Diego Chicken worked a free beer gig with KGB into a multi-million dollar job."
The folks managing Barney's career are a wee bit upset. They don't seem to understand why people want to beat the crap out of their singing purple dinosaur.
In a feeble attempt to crack down on Barney-bashing, Barney's handlers sued the Chicken. That's the Chicken, as in the San Diego King of Mascots, Ted Giannoulas, who worked a free beer gig with KGB into a multi-million dollar job.
This would seem like a joke at first. It's not as funny as, say, seeing Mr. Rogers whumped with a tennis racket. But it sure seems like a joke.
Except it is a direct attack on the Chicken, which is about as close to a San Diego celebrity as we got, unless ya' count prissy ice skaters. That yellow-beaked fiend -- hey, ya' gotta love that beak -- is part of our heritage as boring-ass San Diegans.
When he was the KGB Chicken, he would hang out at concerts, pretend to smoke doobs, and rock with the crowd. Moving on to Padres and Chargers games, he brought the same attitude, making fun of people, hamming it up, and generally showing his tail to the crowd.
The Chicken was cool, because he wasn't just another dumb-ass mascot cheerleader. He outgrew KGB, and soon the Padres and Chargers realized the Chicken was a helluva lot more entertaining than their teams. So the Chicken became a mascot for hire, wandering from ballpark to ballpark, beating up on referees and teasing opponents.
The Chicken's act is a bit tired these days, but he still makes big bucks, mostly at minor league ballparks where his appearance is the biggest event of the year, beating out Bring Your Pet Toad to the Ballpark Night.
For the past couple of years, the Chicken has been doing a bit with a Barney lookalike. They do a little breakdancing contest. Barney wins, then the Chicken beats the crap out him and people cheer. It's just good, wholesome family entertainment.
It was the last part that apparently bothered the ol' Barney people. Not content to sit on the pile of money they've made off a fake dinosaur singing sappy songs to Kool-Aid-sotted four-year-olds, they filed a lawsuit accusing the Chicken of damaging their trademark.
See, they use that trademark on everything from lunchboxes to clothes to try and squeeze a few more dollars out of parents eager to shut up their whiny kids. So, on the one hand, they say important issues are at stake here.
On the other hand, this is obviously a publicity stunt. Barney's braintrust didn't go after Charles Barkley when he went one-on-one against Barney on "Saturday Night Live," and they're not suing the computer geeks who participate in the "Die, Barney, Die" newsgroup.
If they tried to sue everyone who made fun of Barney, they'd be in court until Johnnie Cochran admitted O.J. was a guilty dog.
But clearly Barney's handlers want to make a point here. And, if ya' look closely, the point seems to be that they are tired of people thumping Barney. They say little kids cry when the Chicken starts beating up Barney. If they looked more closely, they'd see a whole lotta people cheering, mainly parents.
But that's not the point. The Barney contingent think suing a guy performing in a chicken costume will put an end to Barney abuse. They are deeply underestimating just how annoying people find the Purple One. That's why it's funny. People like to see an icon of sweetness wacked a few times.
It would be one thing if the Chicken was standing on the dugout and exhorting fans to attack Barney. Sure, that would be understandable too, but it might be viewed as a bad thing.
No, the Chicken is just having a little fun, and the Barney folk are just showing themselves to be lawsuit-happy trolls. Giannoulas has vowed to keep on Barney wacking, because he understands that the next best thing to suing somebody is being sued, so you can scarf your own free publicity.
There are fundamental dividing lines in society, boys and girls. Some people think Erkel is hip, some people like "The Simpsons." Some people like Pearl Jam, some people like Mariah Carey. Some people listen to Jeff & Jer, some people listen to Howard Stern.
And, while some people don't understand why it's funny to take a baseball bat to Barney, some people think it's hilarious.
So it's time to pick sides, boys and girls. Either you're for the Chicken or you're for Barney. Ya' can't be both.